Handcuffs!
by Ameria
Summary: You know any story entitled "Handcuffs!" has got to be good. Happy reading!


**Handcuffs**

By Ameria

            Because this is Slayers, there is no such thing as a normal day.  But it _seemed_ pretty normal.  Ameria and Zelgadiss were walking the streets of the city, having left Lina and Gourry at a stuff-your-face restaurant a ways back.  They had fallen into a silence.  Zelgadiss was looking straight ahead, probably seeing none of the actual environment, and appearing vaguely angry.  Ameria was curiously observing the people around her.  Her gaze traveled over two slight girls who were speaking excitedly to each other.  She looked back, and they were gone.  

            The two girls appeared shortly thereafter about six inches in front of Ameria and Zelgadiss.  Luckily the lightning-quick reflexes learned from fighting bad guys and Lina and Gourry at the dinner table saved them from crashing into the kids.  The kids grinned up at Ameria and Zelgadiss as if this was an everyday experience.  Before Ameria and Zelgadiss could recover from the shock, the girls each grabbed one of their hands, and began chattering.  Ameria and Zelgadiss looked at each other, and then back at the girls, who cheerfully said "Bye!" and disappeared in a shower of blue sparkles.

            "Blue sparkles?" Ameria asked; staring blankly at the space the two girls had just inhabited.

            "This can't be good.  Ack!"

            "What?"  Ameria suddenly felt something on her wrist.  "Ack!"

            "Handcuffs?" Lina said in her loud voice of overreaction.  "_What _were you two _doing?!_"

            Zelgadiss put his handcuffed hand to his forehead in his distress, dragging Ameria's hand up with it.

            "Walking!" Ameria said; feathers ruffled at Lina's implication.

            "Quit smiling like that!" Zelgadiss scowled, glaring at Gourry.

            "Smiling like what?" Gourry said, eyes innocent.  Zelgadiss mumbled sourly to himself.  "How are you gonna get 'em off?" Gourry asked.  Zelgadiss threw his arms out in exasperation, practically knocking Ameria off balance.  Lina grabbed the handcuffs with her typical gentleness and began to examine them.  She felt all over them and then began to try to pull them off.

            "Ow, ow, stop please, Lina-san!"

            "It looks like you two are stuck," Lina announced after assessing the situation.

            "Thanks, Lina."

            "I could try to blow them off," Lina said, raising an eyebrow.  Ameria and Zelgadiss gave her Looks.  "You'll just have to find a locksmith," she shrugged.  "Tough luck for you!"

            Zelgadiss spent the next quarter hour dragging and Ameria spent the next quarter hour being dragged around town.  Zelgadiss was in quite a hurry, and Zelgadiss in a hurry has a much longer stride than Ameria.  Ameria was getting annoyed.

            "Stop it, Zelgadiss-san.  We know where the locksmith is now.  There is no need to hurry!"

            Zelgadiss shortened his stride by about three centimeters.

            "Zelgadiss-san!" Ameria pointed out, bringing her voice into full authority-mode.

            "Alright, alright already!  I just have a bad feeling…"

            "We'll get the handcuffs off," Ameria said, fairly confidently.  Zelgadiss frowned.

            Ameria and Zelgadiss made it to the locksmith's house as the sun was setting.  The locksmith resided in a very uninspiring building, somewhat covered in faded army-green paint.  Zelgadiss lost some of his determined stance at this.

            "It will work out Zelgadiss-san.  He's a locksmith, not a carpenter," Ameria said, with years of training in sounding confident.  Zelgadiss looked a little less utterly unconvinced.  "Let's go," Ameria said with as perky a voice as possible, and started forward, dragging Zelgadiss.

            "Hey!" Zelgadiss complained.

            "I thought maybe you should take a turn at being dragged, Zelgadiss-san," Ameria said cheerfully, pushing the weather-torn door open.

            The inside of the building was just as shabby and disorderly as the outside.  It was also dark, and it took a moment before Ameria and Zel's eyes adjusted to the light.

            "Customers!" an old woman's shrill voice greeted them.  Zelgadiss flinched from the sudden onslaught of shrill.  "Darren, get out here!" she growled towards a doorway.

            "Shut up, Anna!" Darren shouted, appearing in the doorway. "You'll scare the customers!" 

            "I'll scare the customers!  I'm not the one who looks like he hasn't combed his hair since he was sixty-four!"

            "Dear customers!"  Darren shouted over his wife.  "How may I help you this afternoon?"

            Ameria and Zelgadiss looked at each other.  "It's evening," Ameria said, turning back towards Darren.  

            "Oh, so it is!  It's always so dark in here I never know what time of day it is," Darren said cheerfully.  Zelgadiss looked like he was going to die on the spot.

            "Darren-san—"

            "Oh, so you know my name, little girl!"

            "Um…she said it earlier," Ameria said, indicating Anna.

            "She listens," Anna said triumphantly to Darren.  "You should try it," she added.  She gave Ameria a big smile.

            "Look, this is the problem," Zelgadiss said irritably, shoving his hand, and Ameria's in front of the locksmith.  The locksmith pushed up his glasses and focused on the handcuffs.

            "Ohhh!  I get this surprisingly often, you know.  I even had Lord and Lady N…N…"

"Nighthaven!" Anna shouted, coming over to take a peek herself.  

"Right, Nighthaven, I was about to say that; in for it just three years ago.  Oh, they were _awfully_ embarrassed."

"But I always say," Anna said happily, "you should never hold back and end up lacking fun!"

"Hey!  That's what _I_ always say!" Darren said irritably, scowling at Anna.

"No, that's what _I _always say!" Anna said, putting her hands on her hips and glaring.

"Maybe you both always say that?" Ameria said, sounding something between helpful, tired, and cross.  

"Oh, right!" Anna said,  "That's why we got married!"

"Brilliant!  You're a genius, child!" Darren told Ameria.  "Anyway, what can I do for you again?"  Darren said brightly.  Ameria sighed.

"Zelgadiss-san?" Ameria said, looking up at Zelgadiss.  Somewhere in the conversation he had turned a rather dazzling shade of red.  

"This is nothing like that!"  Zelgadiss insisted.

"Nothing like what?" Darren asked.

"Just…get the cuffs off, okay?!"

"Okay," Darren said, turning and disappearing into the back room.

"Why don't you just sit down and make yourselves comfortable," Anna smiled, waving her hand towards some suspiciously frail looking chairs.  After some difficulty maneuvering themselves into chairs while being handcuffed together, they succeeded in sitting.  The chairs stayed in tact, easing Zel's fears of impending slapstick.  They then settled down to listen to a series of clatters and bangs coming from the back room.

"Is he okay in there?" Ameria asked, after a minute or so.

"He's fine.  His sight's going.  I expect he can't find his keys again.  DARREN!  Do you need help?!"

            "No!"

            "I'd never help you!"

            "Get back here and help me find my keys!"

            Anna grinned and walked back into the backroom.  She and Darren appeared about three seconds later with a box of what seemed to be hundreds of keys.  Ameria was equally as unhappy as Zelgadiss, but Zel's dismay, as it so often is, was written loud and clear across his face.

            "You are going to try all of those keys?!"  Zelgadiss demanded to know.

            "Oh, no.  But there's about a hundred in here that may fit.  I need to sort through and find them, of course."

            "Of course," Zelgadiss said sourly.

              I'm not going to write about 100 keys being tried on the handcuffs of our poor favorite Slayers torture subject and our favorite beautiful heroine.  The attempt to find a key, however, went something like this:

            "So I had this annoying little brother—" Darren began, picking a key and trying to fit it into the lock.  "Nope," he said, upon the key not working.  "–whom I was always trying to get away from—"  Another key.  "Nope.  –me.  You know how siblings are.  Nope.  So I started by locking him in his room.  Nope.  But he always managed—  Nope.  –to get out.  So I had to become more inventive--  Nope.  –with my locks.  Nope.  This is how I first got interested in being a locksmith.  Nope."

            By the time Darren ran out of keys, Ameria and Zelgadiss looked as bored as Evangelian junkies at a Slayers marathon.

            "Nope.  Well, darn.  Looks like there's none left to try,"  Darren said.  There was a short pause before the news suddenly knocked Ameria and Zelgadiss out of their stupor.

            "What?!" Zelgadiss shouted.

            "No keys left to try?!" Ameria chimed in simultaneously, alarmed.

            "Yeah, pretty strange, that."

            Ameria and Zelgadiss sat in shocked, silent despair.

            "Well, there is something I can do," the locksmith frowned.

            "Yes?!" Ameria and Zelgadiss said.

            "I don't know if I should…"

            "You should!"

            "Well, you two do look pretty distressed…"

            "Very distressed!"

            "Come back tomorrow."  And that is when the chairs broke.

            "Woooaaai," Lina said, making one of her weird noises of astonishment, "you didn't get them off?"  Zelgadiss gave her a withering look.

            "He said to come back tomorrow," Ameria said, choosing her place at the common room table.  This took a bit of doing, too, with the handcuffs.  

            "He's a moron.  They're both morons!"  Zelgadiss was cranky.

            "Zelgadiss-san, I'm sure they're trying their best," Ameria said, managing to grab a chicken leg for herself from the plate in the center of the table.

            "I'm in a world filled with incompetent idiots!"  Zelgadiss ranted.  Ameria sighed and decided to ignore him.

            "How are you guys going to sleep tonight?"  Gourry asked.  The crew paused.

            "Oh-hoo!"  Lina said, catching on to the problem and grinning.

            "We're not,"  Zelgadiss scowled.

            "We can't just go without sleep, Zelgadiss-san," Ameria said, trying to keep a blush in check.

            "I can."

            "Well, I can't…"

            Zelgadiss looked at her, arranging his face into perfect scornful aloofness.  "Well, if you have to sleep, than it is _your_ decision."

            Ameria worked to refrain from rolling her eyes, and confirmed that she would share a room with him.  Lina seemed delighted.

            "Maybe you should make sure you sleep with a mallet, Ameria," she whispered as she passed her, heading upstairs.

            "Lina-san!"  Ameria hissed.

            "Good night, guys," Gourry said, standing up and yawning.  "Good luck, Zel," he added solemnly, before heading upstairs.  Zelgadiss and Ameria stared after him, once again trying to decide what exactly a phrase that came out of Gourry's mouth meant.  After Lina and Gourry left Ameria and Zelgadiss shared a few moments of uncomfortable silence, a few moments of confusion when Zelgadiss forgot he shouldn't cross his arms while handcuffed to Ameria, and a few moments of fighting sleep before they finally gave in, ordered a room, and went up to bed.  It had been a long day of anxiety, frustration, and disregarding strange looks from innocent passersby.

            "I guess we will have to sleep in our traveling clothes," Ameria said, staring at the bed with vague suspicion.

            "I guess so," Zelgadiss said, tersely, also staring at the bed.

            "But we can't sleep in our boots or…belts."

            "True, we can't."

            They stared at the bed some more.

            "Well," Ameria finally said, working up her nerve and trying to nonchalantly remove her belt with one of her wrists stuck to Zel's wrist.  Zelgadiss glanced down at what she was doing, and then back at the bed, making his usual amusing effort to retain his dignity.  After she removed her belt, Ameria pulled Zelgadiss over to the bed.  She tried to get into a position in which she could sit down, but Zelgadiss was still worrying about his dignity.  "Zelgadiss-san, I need to sit down to take off my boots."

            "Oh."  Zelgadiss moved around and sat down.

            "Thank you."  After Ameria got herself ready, she waited for Zelgadiss to get up the nerve to get himself ready.  It was taking a while.  "Zelgadiss-san, I'm tired.  I want to go to sleep."

            Zelgadiss proceeded to remove his belt exceedingly carefully.  Ameria was too tired to care.

            After conquering the difficulties of getting into bed, Ameria began to drift off.  Zelgadiss was still wide-awake.

"Ameria, have you ever thought that our lives are just a series of bad comedy skits?"

"Yes, Zelgadiss-san.  All the time.  Go to sleep," she mumbled.

"You mumbled," Zelgadiss said.  Mumbling was usually his domain, not hers.

"Mmm…" Ameria replied, falling into the steady deep breathing that signified sleep.  Zelgadiss spent the next half-hour studying the ceiling.  It wasn't that the ceiling was really that fascinating, it was just that he could not fall asleep under these conditions.  Not being able to change position was a problem, as was lying in bed with a girl.  And, of all girls, it had to be Ameria.  Zelgadiss wondered yet again why he is never dealt reasonable, positive cards in life.  Especially when he is stuck with Lina and company.  Then, of course, Ameria's hand moved into his, which made things even worse.

But then, her hand _was_ interesting.  He couldn't see it well in the dark, though he tried.  He had a good memory of it, anyway.  It was so _tiny_...and perfect.  He tapped one of his fingers against one of hers while he critically analyzed his memory of her hands.  He'd never really considered her hands before.  Just…other parts of her body.  He looked at her form in the dark.  He had always wanted to kiss her, and she was asleep now.  He shifted up, leaning his weight onto his elbow.  She didn't show any signs of waking up.  But…something held him back.  It certainly wasn't fear, for Zelgadiss was afraid of nothing.  He was a Dark Mystical Swordsman.  This was a comforting thought.  He leaned forward towards her.  Closer…closer…  He lay back down and stared up at the ceiling.  He wouldn't kiss her tonight.  Not because he was chicken, though.  He was the Mystical Swordsman Zelgadiss Graywords.  It's just…he decided not to.  Right.  Zelgadiss Graywords is anything but chicken.  And with that consoling thought, he fell asleep.

            "Zelgadiss-san, wake up!"  Ameria pushed at Zel's unconscious body.  "Zelgadiss-san."

            "Huh?  What?"

            "We need to get the handcuffs off."

            "Handcuffs?"  Zelgadiss asked, sleepily.  "Handcuffs!" he suddenly stated, voiced turning into solid scorn.

            "We have to get our belts and—  Yeah,"  Zelgadiss had already yanked her over to begin pulling on his boots.

            "And then breakfast."

            "No breakfast."

            "No breakfast?"

            "We'll get the handcuffs off first,"

            "You didn't eat anything last night," Ameria insisted.

            "I'm not left-handed."

            "At least get something to drink.  You can hold a mug with your left hand."

            "I don't want any people staring at me _handcuffed_ to a girl in a cheap inn!" Zelgadiss seethed.

            "You are so self-conscious!"  Ameria exploded, standing up.  She had had it.  "This isn't exactly a picnic for me, either, Zelgadiss-san!  These people don't care, and probably aren't going to see you again anyway!  Why don't you take care of yourself for once instead of worrying about your damn ego?!"

            Zelgadiss stared at her, mouth open in surprise.  Ameria, looked at the door, and then sat back down on the bed.

            "Stupid handcuffs, I'm not even able to stomp out of here," she muttered into her free hand.

            "Stomp…out of?"  Zelgadiss said, regaining some speech.  Ameria chuckled in a weak, hollow way.

            "Well, you know…it's a satisfying and poignant end to an out…burst."

            "Satisfying?"  Zelgadiss was caught between being angry at being yelled at, and finding the strange humor in the situation.  Ameria suddenly smiled and giggled.  

            "I guess that kind of voided it, huh?"  She grinned up at Zelgadiss.  He blinked down at her and then smiled somewhat.  "Zelgadiss-san, let's go down and eat.  You can even use me as a cover and say 'Ameria needs food' and sigh and look irritated before getting food for yourself if you want.  Okay?"

            Zelgadiss didn't know quite what to say to that, but he was a bit disturbed.  "Okay, okay, whatever," he said, slipping into irritable.  

            "And then we continue the saga and get the handcuffs off," Ameria said comfortingly.

            "And then we get the handcuffs off," Zelgadiss muttered.

            Breakfast was very good, but rather uninteresting, so I will skip that.  The unlucky pair's next move was to find the locksmith again.

            "Okay, you two, hold still," Darren said.  Ameria and Zelgadiss glanced worriedly at each other.  "I have it here somewhere," Darren added, looking through his pockets.  Zelgadiss groaned.  "Ah-ha!"  Darren said, suddenly holding up a shiny, silver key.

            "What's that, Darren-san?"  Ameria asked, looking curiously at the key.

            "This is a _magic_ key.  It will reform itself to open any lock.  This is secret, don't tell anyone I ever had this."

            "Well, open the lock!"  Zelgadiss said.

            "Be patient, young man," Darren said, working the key into the lock.  Zelgadiss stiffened at that description of himself.  Ameria glanced up at him and giggled.

            "Hmm…"  Darren said.

            "What?"  Ameria and Zelgadiss asked.

            "This is impossible."

            "What?!"

            "It doesn't fit."

            Pause.

            "WHAT?!"

            "What's this?"  Darren thought aloud, looking more closely at one part of the handcuffs.  The atmosphere became heavy with Ameria and Zel's anticipation.  "Anna, can you get me my glasses?"  He continued looking at the handcuffs until Anna brought him his glasses.

            "You would have never been able to find them," she said, handing them to Darren.

            "Where were they?"

            "On the counter."

            "Oh.  Got it!"  Darren said, as the handcuffs snapped open.  Ameria and Zelgadiss couldn't get their wrists out of those handcuffs fast enough.

            "What did you do?" they asked.

            "These didn't need a key after all!" Darren announced cheerfully, holding them up.  "See?  There was a little release button here!  They could have come off quite easily at any time!"

            Ameria and Zelgadiss groaned and dropped to the floor.

            "You got them off!"  Gourry said, when Ameria and Zelgadiss relocated the two.

            "How?"  Lina asked.

            "There was a _stupid_ button," Zelgadiss said.

            "That's all?  A button?"

            "Yeah," Zelgadiss scowled.  Lina fell to the city street laughing.  Zelgadiss looked to Gourry for sanity.  He almost seemed to be working hard to keep a straight, concerned face.  Zelgadiss shook his head.  He was probably imagining things.  So, he turned to Ameria.  "What I don't understand is why you're keeping that, Ameria," Zelgadiss said, nodding to her bag.

            "Souvenir!" Ameria grinned.  Zelgadiss sighed.  "You never know when it might come in handy, Zelgadiss-san," she smiled.  Zelgadiss did a double take.  He thought he saw an edge to her smile, but he decided he must have been imagining that, too.

            "My life is unreal," Zelgadiss muttered to himself, ignoring the rest of the cast, and looking up to the calm, peaceful sky.


End file.
